Ok, I really have to let this out before I go completely insane.

As some may know, I’ve been itching to be a Game Writer (eg dialogue, story) ever since working on Ultima V: Lazarus. We produced a real work of art there, and it was so much fun. Something to be proud of, happy with, and put on the resume. For a number of Team Lazarus, the project was, in a way, a last ditch effort to get into the industry. And for a number, it worked. They are now in the industry, doing what they did for Lazarus, but getting paid for it this time.

Being a Game Designer was never one of my dreams. I signed up for Lazarus because I loved Ultima, was passionate about writing, and was thrilled to be a part of breathing life back into my favourite game of the series.

But now, like I’ve said, I’m itching to be a Game Writer. For which, of course, I completely blame Tibby and Team Lazarus. ;)

I’ve sent out the applications to various parts of the world. I even had an interview here in my home city, but the position didn’t end up being remotely what I was looking for. Finally, at the last, I find a writing position for a company called Auran here in Australia. I apply via an agency, and am informed about a week later that the position’s been filled by someone from Canada. Gah. Considering Canada has companies like Bioware (which I’d also applied to), I was annoyed and amused at the same time.

So I forget about ‘the dream’ for a while and got myself a standard temp job to cover the cost of Christmas. 

The Tuesday before the 25th of December I am bummed out. It’s hot (around 40C), I don’t have air conditioning, I’ve been staring at a screen all day, and rather than go online like I usually do I just crash on my bed for a few hours. Thus it’s 10 o’clock in the evening when I check my emails and find a message from Auran, acknowledging it’d been a few months since my application but asking if I was interested in a phone interview on Tuesday night. Tonight. I check the date of the email. It’d only been sent the day before—and Monday was one of the days I don’t usually check my home email because, between work and my D&D group, it’s a full day for me. At that point in time, I don’t have access to my home email through work.

I send a reply to Auran saying I’m definitely interested in the interview and let them know when during the week I’ll be around. Christmas shopping can wait! This is important.

The rest of the week leading to Christmas I keep close watch on my inbox and keep the phone line as free as possible (I have dialup). No reply. I send a final email on Friday wishing them a Merry Christmas and saying whenever they want to set up an interview in 2007 will be fine by me.

I want to kick myself!!

I keep telling myself that it’s reasonable for someone to miss an appointment when it’s proposed a day before the event, especially this close to Christmas, but gah! If only I’d been able to check it Tuesday morning! Or even after I’d come home from work, rather than taking a nap! I so rarely take naps I just can't believe it!

More frustrating than the possibility that I’ve missed a great opportunity is the not knowing. An email saying I missed out? Fine. Let the healing begin! But no, now I’m stuck in uncertainty with an overpowering urge to beat my head against a wall. On top of that, I’ve been having a stupid nightmare that I incorrectly spelled the name of the Auran rep who emailed me.

Ok. It’s Christmas/New Year’s. It’s entirely possible and plausible that I haven’t been contacted again because of the holidays. Then again, it’s entirely possible that I missed the boat.

Finally, the Wednesday before and up to Christmas, I was praying a lot about that position. I am not much of a prayer person. And I wasn’t praying to get the position, as you might think. The thing is, as much as I want this job, it would make me incredibly sad to leave friends and family behind. My work situation aside, I am generally quite happy with life as it is right now—especially since I got involved with my role-playing/D&D group. It seems that every time I get settled with a good group of friends and decide that I’m happy, something conspires to change that and I always end up hurt, depressed and alone. So in a way, I am scared of moving. The personal life vs the professional one. What I was praying for was more guidance than anything, I suppose. And because God always listens. I told Him that while I would be stoked to get this job, I would most likely be just as happy (if not happier?) if I didn’t, and would leave it all in His hands because I really didn’t know which outcome would be the most beneficial for me.

If I got the job I would consider that my answer, and take it. But now I’m just praying for some kind of closure so I’m not left in suspense. ;) Unfortunately, one final email from me and two months later, it looks like I can only assume from the lack of reply that I’ve missed out. :(

And two months later there are still times I want to beat my head against the wall. Only the other day I saw an article about Auran’s Fury game in the local paper, and all I could think of was ‘I could have been working on this.’

Blah. :/

Let life continue as it was before, and tomorrow come as it may.